Synonym for CRAZY, please?

I can now unequivocally state that I have been, or currently AM, the following :

absurd, amok, bananas, bats in the belfry, batty, bizarre, bonkers, cockamamie, crack-brained, cracked, crackpot, crazed, cuckoo, daffy, daft, decrepit, delirious, dementate, demented, deranged, desirous, dilapidated, distracted, dotty, eager, erratic, fanatical, flaky, foolish, frantic, gaga, goofy, harebrained, haywire, inane, infatuated, insane, loco, loony, lunatic, mad, maniac, meshuga, meshugga, nuts, preposterous, psycho, rickety, senseless, shaky, silly, strange, tottering, touched, unbalanced, wacky, weird (courtesy thesaurus.com -- another website I love)

(although, I don't know what "meshuga/meshugga" mean, I am sure that if it is anything like "bats in the belfry" then it's spot on!)

Should I explain why I haven't written a post in so long? Guess that's the point of this whole dealy-yo here called a blog, eh? Ok, here goes:

Started a research internship (in a lab, with a lot of numbers and letters -- for hours at a time -- staring at the stuff, typing it, writing it down, erasing it, analyzing the ca-ca out of it. Picture it. Then you'll know what I mean.)

THEN, three weeks later, started a 5-week class, on Memory and Cognition, no less. 'Kay, before you say "wah" to my dismay, let me explain.

A 5-week class is only offered in the summer (that must be when the people in charge take their vacations cuz I'm sure if they found out the amount of convoluted crazyness they try to shove in our brains in a short period of time, they'd be in disapproval).

A 5-week class takes all the information from a regularly timed 10-week, quarter long class, and smooshes (yes, that's a technical term -- my brain's mush, gimme a break) it into half the time, with nearly all the same assignments, but definitely covering all the material (if you take one with this instructor). He's a great instructor -- it's just that he's at a level of intelligence that should be illegal -- and I'm not diggin' it, at least not with an Ebbinghaus-style enthusiasm. I don't dive into it as readily as, say, abnormal psychology. That stuff is ooey-good (another technical term, thanks for asking).

Meanwhile, 2 weeks remain in this class, and I still have a 2-page paper, a 10-page paper (conducting an experiment) and editing for a 5-8 page paper for my internship. Oh yeah, that last paper is due tomorrow. Help me. Please.

This is all said with a touch of humor but a bucket of insanity. I don't think I should even be typing right now. I should be lying down... um ...like THAT'S gonna happen! I laugh in the face of adversity and challenge. I claim rights to an extraordinary Helper I choose to call God and pray for some relief to claim some time of my own in order to practice relaxing (that's where I try to pretend I know how and sit there in quiet reflection trying to read all the while my head's saying "Is this what I'm supposed to be doing right now?")

Assuming anyone's still reading this post, if you pray (and I highly recommend you learn how if you don't) pray, hard. My elder child is on a flight to Texas as I type. My younger is awaiting the train called "Mom's Limo Service" and I'm gonna hit the library for some non-school mental edibles before I begin my route.

Alright, so I lag...

Yes, my life IS hectic. Don't think that just because I run around at a frenetic pace, that I think I'm exempt from blogging. I hope y'all missed me!!!

Times, they are a'changin'... I have another child coming to live with me soon, so I will be single parent to TWO children now instead of just one--this does NOT mean double the parenting; it works in a compounded-interest sort of way. I am excited and extremely scared. There is not really physical space for three girls to be living in our limited square footage, let alone sharing a bathroom, but we'll make it work!

I am starting a five-week course at school here in a couple of weeks (that said, I should throw this in: 5-week courses at Cal Poly in the Summer mean that they pack 10-weeks worth of instruction into half the time. The particular course I chose to take is known for it's daunting courseload and subject matter at the 10-week pace -- what can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment!) I just want to juggle all the balls in my circus-of-a-life in an orderly fashion (is that a misnomer of sorts???) Once, again, I think I may be expecting too much. I just want to do a good job at all my duties. Once again, a little (or a LOT) of prayer here couldn't hurt a bit!

All that said, I just started a Research Internship for my first quarter to prepare myself as an undergraduate to have a stellar resume-of-sorts to send to grad schools so that I can pursue a higher degree (I plan to get my PhD. but what I work on is what will happen, God-willing)... I just have to do the footwork. So, now it's on to GRE's, grad school research (which I've been doing for at least a month now) and applications galore. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

Grades, schmades...

Okay, so I didn't get any "F's" this quarter, but once again I am disappointed in my grades (and the "worst" one was a B-plus!!! The rest of this post makes me sound like I'm not even showing up...) I think it's just the culmination of frustrating factors throughout the quarter that's gotten me down so much:

1) Taking a 3-unit class with a workload of at least 4-units (a Research Methods class, to be precise)

2) Not being able to get on the Dean's List for the FOURTH quarter in a row because I had a one-unit C/NC class (to round out the aforementioned 3-unit winner). This continues to be a frustration for me because I am either taking a 1-unit class to fulfill finanacial aid obligations because the class I need/that is available (often these two do not coincide easily) is a 3-unit class like I just mentioned.

3) Busting my heiny all quarter long -- in general.

4) Taking 4 classes (one of which does not apply toward my degree) and getting the worst grade in that particular class -- THIS IS THE WORST BUMMER OF ALL.

My goal had been (and I will continue to strive for this anyways) to raise my GPA throughout the time I spend at Cal Poly. I have succeeded thus far. Until that last class. And, I put forth all my best effort I possibly to squeeze out this quarter. So, I need to be happy for myself and all the hard work I put in. But, for now I shall settle for emailing the professor and finding out what kind of grading technique he used and why he and I agreed I performed at a higher quality level this time around in his advanced version of the course but failed to get a higher grade.

That being said, I AM SO GLAD IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!

WELL, AT LEAST FOR NOW... I START A RESEARCH INTERNSHIP IN 4 DAYS. PRAY FOR ME, Y'ALL!

Humor in finest form...

Just a quickie -- I thought this was really funny:

"When you get a BS you think you know everything. When you get your MS you realize you know nothing. When you get your PhD you still realize you know nothing but it is ok because now you know no one else does either."

I found it on a Student Doctor message board. I don't think it's original, so hopefully I don't have to worry about copyright infringement.

Parenthesis Overload

quotient (def)- "the ratio of two quantities to be divided"
a.) proportion - the quotient obtained when the magnitude of a part is divided by the magnitude of the whole


As much as it gives me an ego-trip (wait, where'd she go???.....) to know I scored 132 on an online IQ site (and trust me, I could use the ego-boost sometimes!), I wonder if the whole premise of the thing (not doing in-depth research, and all) is that the test compares one person's intelligence to another's (this is measured by questions such as: "If you were given the letters 'G-F-N-E-A-L' and asked to rearrange them, would you come up with the name of an
: A) cat B) building C) city D) store ). Of course, for copyright purposes, I modified the question, but you get my drift.

I wonder (and I REALLY wonder -- so much, in fact, I went and looked up "Mensa" at the local library and picked up a book on their kind of brain teasers since I received an on-the-cusp of a Mensa-qualifying score on the particular test I took) how qualified this type of testing really is for measuring intelligence because it certainly doesn't measure common sense (in my opinion, common sense is choosing to do the appropriate thing for the situation at hand regardless of the level of pre-existing intelligence) and I have proven this. Who came up with this test, anyways? If you know, I'd be more than happy to let you do the research because I'm too busy avoiding my it-took-me-all-quarter-long-to-write-this-research-paper paper that's due in three days to do it myself. Go figure (refer to previous posts to see this pattern of avoidance in full effect! Go on, I dare ya'!)

But, for now, I shall continue my love affair with (parenthesis) and continue on my merry, having a 132-IQ-that's-readily-accepted-by-most-Americans-as-making-me-smart, score and smile all the way to my flash drive which holds the file necessary to determine this student's decision on "Will She or Won't She: The Student's Avoidance Procedure of Research Papers".

Time flies even if you're not having fun

WOW-- cannot believe it's been three weeks since I blogged. But then again, I can. It's been crazy during the week trying to (as always) balance motherhood, student duties, and recovery. But I do try my best. That's all I can do: pray and keep trying. But, with the exception of last weekend, it's been crazy on the weekends as well as during the week -- crazy good though.

The weekend after I came back from Yosemite from the Soroptomist International Awards Ceremony, I took my younger child to two California amusement parks, tickets courtesy of a family friend. All I had to do was come up with accomodations (which someone approached me about sharing, read: sharing the cost) and so it was set. Even though I had a Midterm in one of my classes the following Monday (meaning I'd only be able to study in the car, the hotel, and at the parks themselves) I went anyways. And, it was worth it. I actually took my book in with me to one of the amusement parks and I got an "A" on the Midterm, so who says you can't mix fun and work!!!

Last weekend, we had two BBQs to go to, plus a committee meeting of mine on Sunday. The Teen Challenge Program came and spoke at the church I attend, which was really cool to see. It's nice to see acceptance of mistakes on a grand level -- I can definitely relate to big mistakes and acceptance from others, and I and my children benefited from seeing the program participants doing well also.

So, I realize this blog entry is mostly about my weekends and not much about my weeks, but I am living a full life and happy to share it.

By the way, check out my new "Inspirational" music list. I needed the lift and hopefully you all will find it useful as well.

Blessings and Hurdles

Went to Yosemite Area to accept my award for the Soroptomist International Sierra Nevada Region. I was second in a number of applicants (don't ask me how many). There were over 300 people in attendance for the event that weekend -- officials for the organization, club members from 44 different clubs all over California, other award winners and guests) and when I got up to speak, I felt eerily comfortable. I received a standing ovation from -- I dunno -- over 200 people and it felt AWESOME. I met wonderful people who are all dedicated to advancing women in this world in so many ways, and I was so happy to be a part of it!

My children and my accomodations were paid for (read: "WOW") so we headed into the Yosemite Valley after we left the event and experienced the waterfall that I haven't seen since I was a kid. My younger one got to see snow for the first time and was pleasantly overjoyed by just getting to play in it. I received "thank you's" aplenty and was in awe of the whole thing. God is awesome. So I thought I'd put a picture of Yosemite in here to cap it off... (I took it -- thank you very much!)

So, this is a good model of me today. Seems like I always blog when I'm feeling especially productive or when I'm feeling especially -- NOT.

Anyways, lots of tasks to attend to and I'm having issues with a couple of classes and a couple of professors' teaching styles are conflicting with my ability to soak up the information (right now, my "sopping up" ability is more like a rock than a sponge.) Makes me want to give up when they seemingly change the materials that are posted online and email notices at 11pm the night before class for the next day's class period.
I have to take a break from school in order to remain among the non-insane. My disability significantly hinders me from accomplishing all the tasks necessary for school-- WHOA, actually I realized I've never talked about my disability on this blog --
so here goes:

I have a disability, work with Disabled Student Services and am receiving treatment outside of school for it as well. I have been diagnosed as Bipolar I, which according to some information I found on the internet is the more severe of disorders between Bipolar I and II.

**Update (5/16/08): I was originally diagnosed with Bipolar-NOS in 2000/2001. Bipolar-NOS, according to my research, is a miscellaneous category used to put people who have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder but do not fit a specific category of the disorder in order to have a diagnosis of Bipolar I or II. At some point in time, to which I was not made aware of, my diagnosis was changed to Bipolar I -- I was under the impression, until about a month ago, that I have had the diagnosis of Bipolar-NOS this whole time. In trying to address a different issue of diagnosis with the mental health staff, I was made aware that again my diagnosis had been changed back to the Bipolar-NOS category (which I was also not told about) and in trying to address that issue with supervisory staff to get it changed back to the specific category of Bipolar I, I was told that it would not be changed. This is extremely frustrating for me to have my diagnosis go from a miscellaneous category to a specific one (which, I believe is conducive to more accurate forms of treatment for the disorder) then back to a miscellaneous one and to be told it would not be changed back again. In my opinion, this clearly shows the impotence of the public mental health system and is very unfortunate. I also find it interesting that the Patient Rights Advocate to whom I spoke with told me that in the twenty years she has worked for the agency, NO ONE has asked to change their diagnosis (but apparently she was mistaken; I was told by another staff member that there indeed was another person who successfully petitioned to have hers changed). Again, more inadequate information and handling of a person's situation. We are all human beings and deserve to be treated with respect and as though our opinions matter -- no matter who we are.**

My symptoms fluctuate on an ongoing basis -- and that's an understatement. I have depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, disorganized thought patterns; frequently have difficulty maintaining active attention on tasks and information, difficulty organizing tasks into proper sequence, get tired very easily (this may be related more to my thyroid disorder than my bipolar disorder, but it's still the case); get frustrated easily, am very irritated by noise (especially repetitive noise) and other issues I'm sure I've left out. A good example of my disability in action for me on a bad day is this: I remember distinctly one day, not being able to coordinate my thoughts into sequence in order to finish making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my child. That sucks.

All symptoms I suffer from (whether they are listed here or not) are exacerbated by both stress and poor sleep (less than 7-and-a-half hours seems to be inadequate, according to the documentation I've been keeping since last August). This doesn't lend well to the life of a full-time student at a State University, full-time mother, and person in recovery. I am always very dedicated to my commitments both in the home and outside the home (sometimes to a fault), but school always has to come second to my health and my children -- and, sad to say, even they have had to "wait" for my attention when school or recovery commitments arise.

Needless to say, my plate is full. I have God on my side, though, and that's what really seems to carry me through. Gotta tell ya' praying is highly underrated! Anywho, if you can make sense of any of this and have something constructive to add as a comment, feel free to do so. Otherwise, it won't get posted!

And it comes with an angry panda, too!!!

Isn't college awesome?!?!?!?!? After all of the wonderful culturally-exposing experiences I've had at Cal Poly so far, and now DreamWorks (creator of the "Bee Movie" among many others) is coming to campus to discuss media challenges. They even sent this poster as a media campaign to get students to attend their discussion.

I'm just in awe of all of the great things I've been exposed to so far at this campus. I just volunteered this weekend with my younger child at the local Children's Day, a city-wide event that actually started out as a Cal Poly Senior Project -- and since this is the 30th annual Children's Day, it's obviously a success!!! Although it was warm, I was able to expose my child to the idea of volunteer work and get to know some of my classmates as well. I even got to chat up one of the girls in one of my classes who is also a parent herself and we got to exchange the challenges of being both a student and a parent and the pull one feels from both of those roles on a daily basis.

All in all, a great weekend!!! Also, just a reminder to self: Just because I think I want to be at home and in bed doesn't mean I would enjoy myself more at home and in bed. After I actually got to the event, I was so happy I went! Not to mention the free t-shirt...

Shouldn't I be excited?????

Noting from the numerous question marks above, I think I should. I've gotten all the classes I wanted to get for this quarter (registered for 24 units to begin with, now I got to get to dropping some -- but one was a waitlisted one so I'm sure it's been taken care of by now).

Trying not to let my brain get the best of me. Got a lot going on but I believe I'm handling it the best I can! Praying helps too. It reminds me that I'm not the one in charge -- but I would love to think I am!

Thanks, by the way, for the comments and encouragement to those of you who have commented on my blog; You know who you are!

Anyways, gotta run -- gonna get a new set of specs. Yee HAW!!!!!!

Life after school...

I guess my fictional audience isn't so "fictional" after all! Thanks to "anon reader" for checking in. It's nice to know I have company in going to school.

I have a WHOLE WEEK off -- which sounds like more than it is when you're in finals week and need a break. Now that it's already after 11am on Monday, it seems like I have too much to do and no time to get it done in. Think I'll work on giving myself a break real quick.

Oh yeah! HAPPY EASTER!!!

And I'm 3 and "o" after the 3rd...

Nice to know I'm capable of carrying a full course load and not going postal or clinically insane! In other words, to reference the above blog title, I have SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED MY 3RD QUARTER AT CAL POLY!!!!!

Thank you... I can hear you all cheering me on now.... thank you for your support (like how I have a fictional relationship with my non-existent audience? Leads one to assume differently on the aforementioned "insane" comment, eh?)

I am a winner!!! No, really. Not only have I been doing well in school, but somebody (actually, some people) think I'm special and that I should get an award for it. SWEET! I am really blessed today. God gifted me with my brain, so I gotta give Him a LOT of the credit. My blood, sweat and tears ain't lookin' so shabby either!

Now, if I could just figure out this "home repair" business... I've been breaking entirely too many things that I don't know how to fix! My furniture is taking the brunt of my yoga-and-push-ups-sculpted brawn and I just broke my coffee table day before yesterday. Wow, better lay off them steroids. Seriously, though, I'm almost convinced a man's brain is far more home-repair inclined than a woman's. Prove me wrong. Please. Then come over to my house, ladies, and fix my coffee table. Yeah. That's it!

Now I gotta figure out what to do with all my free time.... hee hee

God Bless America!!!

Well, at least, that's what I say when I am perturbed at "people" in general. I picked it up from my good friend Mary (thanks Mary! this one has saved me many a time in front of my children.)

The reason I say this at this point is because I'm starting to see a pattern with my history/political science classes. I go to great lengths to explain that I am, by nature, a non-political person and that that particular genre of study is "not my thing." Then I go and get decent grades on the exams when I'm taking the course Credit/No Credit due to my lack of faith in my ability.

Gotta tell ya' though: I'm still glad I'm taking THIS Political Science course Credit/No Credit. My instructor --bless her heart, she's a nice lady, but far too advanced for me in her lectures-- asks questions of the class when she is lecturing and you could hear a pin drop (or crickets chirp, etc.) in the time it takes anybody to say anything in the class. I have no idea what "issues were predominantly the same in both Carter's and Clinton's presidencies" or the differences either! I am, however, pulling A's on the exams. Go figure.

Well, just wanted to vent and have that be the point of the blog for once. After all, is ANYBODY EVEN READING THIS???

Who invented caffeine, anyway???

Oh yeah, since I'm a "smart one," I forgot caffeine is a naturally occurring substance. You wouldn't be able to to tell, though, with the way manufacturers keep sucking the stuff out of biology and shoving it in cough-syrup-tasting drinks. And Starbucks are like legal drug dealers--okay, so --I'm a little tense. Just because I took another midterm today (seems my midterm from yesterday was lonely) and so I just had to jack myself up on caffeine before the exam. Wow.

Did you know that we human beings have actual receptor sites for nicotine (these are to our brains like loading docks are to the shore)??? SO glad I don't smoke. Anymore. But I gotta tell you, this courseload I've got makes me want to pick up the habit again. Not gonna. No way. I have saved my lungs (not to mention the environment and OTHER people's lungs) for way too long to go back to that.

...BUT, looks like I'm gonna have to give up caffeine. It's wreaking havoc on my nerves. I just don't see how that's gonna happen though. My biopsych professor from last quarter is my hero-- she still drinks at least 8 cups of coffee a day (used to be up to 20). I love coffee.

Gotta go, more school related stuff I gotta do!

And it costs money, too...

So, here I am in a veritable crockpot of classroom sewage in my mind. I've got a dumpster full of information in the 3rd week of school and it's all sloshing around in that good ol' apparatus I call my head.

Now, to sort it out. Too bad they don't make a computer program with a little computer man that crawls in your ear, cleans out the "useless information" (i.e. knows whether or not you'll ever need it again), and simultaneously organizes the rest of the information in your head into neat, little, cross-referenced categories.

Like say, for instance, I wanted to know how Article III of the Constitution applies to the Judicial Branch of the U.S. government (which, we're pretending I actually WANT to know this-- I'm only using that as an example because I have an exam on it next week and just got out of that class so it's firmly embedded in my brain) and cross-reference that information with everything my instructor has ever hinted is going to be on the exam. Voila! I would only study that particular information and would scoot it neatly into its own mental folder labeled "Poli Sci, Exam I" for easy access when I take the exam! Instant A!

Of course, they're just now getting to the point where they're microchipping people's passports and dogs, so this may take a while. But for all you computer nerds out there, get on it!!! I'm drowning in information here! Thanks...

By the by, I dropped the USCP course and am taking another GE course for credit/no-credit instead. Yay!

Don't institutionalize me for being smart...

I have a brain that thinks all the time -- whether or not it has permission from me. I remember one time, not too far back in the cave of my brain I call "memory" the morning I woke up and I was already IN MID-THOUGHT. I didn't know that was possible.
Well, now I do! Howdy doody on that one, folks.

Second week of the quarter and I'm not as insane as I was last week. Beginning to see the difference between busy work and actual things worth taking my time on. I have discovered a very reading-relevant fact about myself: if I think what I am reading is important, I read REALLY slowly. I mean, REALLLLLL - l- - -llly, slowly. It's annoying. However, I shall find a way around this as well. Well, I got a full load of classes and a limited number of hours in my day.

Gotta go!

HELP, I can't b-r-e-a-t-h.e.....

First week back at school with a full load this quarter. My anxiety is through the roof so I just thought I'd write about it to take the edge off.

Been praying -- a lot -- lately. It's not so much doing the work at school and at home that gets to me. It's the in-between times when I don't have anything to do that I well up with an overflow of anxiety that, if converted to food units, could feed an entire country it seems.

I want to eat my stomach right now, then maybe it will quiet down a bit. But rather than to disembowel self, I shall disengage. Time to leave campus and see what goeth on in the "real world."

AHHHHHHHHH-I-I-I-I-I-I-I...

...can't wait for school to start so I can stop trying to eat my own stomach from anxiety. Seems I've taken test anxiety one step further straight to insanity.

I'm taking two Psychology core courses and a GE class that fulfills a "USCP" requirement (which is a fancy way of saying: "Hi. We've packed so much dry course material into this class you will either die from boredom or be comatose by the end of the quarter. Have a nice day - oh yah, and by the way, that'll be five hundred-and-some-odd dollars please. Thanks.")

Okay, so I'm being a bit cynical. OKAY, so A LOT cynical. But I'm just trying to get it out of my system before school starts so I can be drained of all negative energy and have nothing left but to knuckle down and do the dirty work. Oh yeah, and go to class...

BY THE WAY, HAPPY NEW YEAR, Y'ALL!!!!!!!